finding the light

so i'm in class now and so ecstatically bored. i'm really tired and still completely out of it. for some reason i've been in this complete fog recently and i burst into a bout of tears today which started in spanish class. as always, i was trying to pay attention but both the overwhelming desire to fall asleep and my headache were both making it impossible..... and now i cant remember what i wanted to say b/c i actually started partially contributing to the class discussion.....and now it's break...i go outside...

i walk from the classroom, not truly knowing where i am intending to go. i pass through the doors into an abnormally chilly april night. i've come outside to escape. to escape the darkness. the fog. the overwhelming pain of monotony that i am continually forced to swallow. i walk out into the darkness, but i feel the brightest i've felt all day. the chilled night air caresses my skin as i wander mindlessly away from the building. i look up into the sky and realize how small and insignificant i truly am in this world. how little my problems really are compared to the rest of the world. the galaxy. the universe.
i realize how unrelentingly pointless my life has become. i want to search for a purpose. something i can do to change the world. something to change at least my portion of society. something to change myself. i stand in the night, staring at the sky, uncaring of the people around me slowly filing into the same night as i stand. but it's not the same night. not at all. they talk on their phones and smoke their cigarettes and never consider what may be happening around them. i'm in my own little world here. i stand alone here with no one but the voices in my head to keep me occupied. but i dont need them. i need something more. i just need to find what that is. i need to figure it all out. i must find what i have always searched for. it's out there. i know it. i can feel it.
i stare off into the night for a few moments more before realizing where i have stopped. i am standing under the only lamppost that is not lit. the darkest space of night in this portion of campus. i realize the irony here and start to laugh at myself. at my life. at the world. of all the lights that exist in this night, i find myself unknowingly beneath the single and solitary light of darkness.
the one thing i had been looking for when leaving the building - light - not necessarily physical light, but spiritual and emotional, a figurative light. i was searching to find a brighter patch of space than i have inhabited all my life. though i have now found myself under a lightless lamp, i have found a significantly brighter place for my heart and mind and soul. i have spontaneously found the unexpected, though i've searched for it so long. i found it right when i had almost given up hope. right at my last escapade for the light.
i smile to myself and walk back inside the building, feeling the best i have in a long time.